A Stay-At-Home Mom's Guide to Procuring Sick Days

Any stay-at-home mom will tell you that sick days flew out the window the moment she lost the pay check. It's just not worked into our HR package when we sign on for our new duties. That balance that we once had, when we wake up in the morning and evaluate whether or not it is appropriate to attend work that day - that's gone. For what we do, there is no calling in sick except for in the most severe of circumstances. In my experience, it is only possible if it is clear beyond question that you are physically unable to carry out any aspect of parenting your children. It requires visible evidence, as it needs to be not only clear to you, but obvious to your husband as well. There has to be absolutely no hesitation in his mind about your inability to safely take care of his young that day, forcing him to use one of his own sick days in order to stay home and keep them alive.

As such, you will need visible, viable proof as demonstrated by at least one of the following:

1) An inability to stand. For example, nausea that creeps quickly every time you are upright. Play up the fact that the children have needs that simply cannot be met from a horizontal position.

2) An inability to see. Dizziness, black-outs, and fainting spells are nice, dramatic touches that leave little debate as to whether or not you should be responsible for others. He'll know that if he leaves you in this state, he'll have to call every three minutes to make sure you're not passed out on the floor somewhere as the kids find new and improved ways of scaling the kitchen cabinets.

3) An inability to hear. Extreme congestion may present an opportunity, although it is not necessarily a shoe-in for a stay-at-home mom sick day. Often this will have to be combined with another symptom to really drive it home. Migraine is a good one, particularly those that make you sensitive to light (see 2). Make sure that all morning whenever your husband tries to speak to you about your status, you act like you don't hear him, leaving him to wonder what dangers his children might accomplish if mommy is looking the other way. If playing the migraine card, make sure you flinch from the light every time you enter a room.

And combinations are always great. My husband still remembers with clarity the time I had food poisoning and, upon returning to the bedroom after having a violent spell in the bathroom, I promptly fainted, falling over the edge of the bed and onto the floor as I tried desperately to get to our crying baby. It's been burned into his brain. Furthermore, that move landed me not one but two consecutive sick days, a feat virtually unheard of in the world of the SAHM, until now . . .

Today I went to the doctor to be evaluated regarding what I would have characterized as a "mild annoyance." I expected to be told that I could wait on any sort of treatment for it, seeing as I really wasn't bothered by my fluctuating symptoms. I've had this umbilical hernia since giving birth to my second child, who is now 14 months old. So obviously the inconvenience of having an umbilical hernia was not really a priority for me. This was the first time I had even consulted a doctor about it.

But then, much to my horror, my doctor explained to me that I'd probably need surgery in the very near future. I laughed out loud. You want me to have surgery? With a three-year-old and a one-year-old? How is that ever going to work? But he was not amused by my brief outburst.

I left his office worried, but still smirking to myself about how ludicrous the whole thing was. But he seemed fairly adamant that I consult with a surgeon very soon. So as I sat in the car outside of his office, I called the other doctor, having been instructed to take the first available appointment. As I dialed, still shaking my head over how impossible this would be, how I would have to basically go and meet with the surgeon only to convince him of the complete disconnect between surgery and the practical points of my life, it dawned on me: someone would have to help me. If I was told I had to have abdominal surgery, my loved ones would be forced to intervene. I would, in essence, get to have sick days, possibly many sick days.

And so I have found the sick day goldmine, and I add to the above list accordingly:

4) The indisputable word of a doctor. Have a doctor tell you that you require some sort of surgical procedure that will require recovery days (which is, essentially, the inability to move), and that's your golden ticket. You'll be laying on that bed with your mom bringing you chicken and dumplings while your dad plays trains downstairs with your boys in no time; December first, to be exact. I'm counting down.

I envision watching movies in my empty bed, accompanied by a mild ache in my tummy, just enough to keep me from being allowed to lift the kids. I'll read books and sip tea, listening to my children down in the living room being entertained by others, others who are not me, for days. It's beautiful, this vision I have. The again, when laproscopic abdominal surgery sounds like a heavenly day at the spa, it might be a sign that things are just a little out of whack.

Original Philly Moms Blog post.

Beth also blogs (almost) daily at Total Mom Haircut.