Weird Science

After I had my son, everyone told me what to do. My friends, my family, my co-workers, my neighbors, the store keepers on the corner, the old lady at the grocery, everyone. Well, everyone except my mother, who knows what a horrid stubborn witch I am and is a little bit afraid of what I might do when I’m sleep-deprived and hopped up on estrogen. People told me what to do because their mothers told them what to do and their grandmothers told their mothers what to do and since no one had any serious problems they all took it as the absolute ultimate in right ways to do things.

You’ve heard it all too, I’m sure. Formula is better because it is scientifically measured. Put cereal in the bottle. It’s okay to put your baby on his belly. Start a schedule right away. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Hold the baby all the time so you don‘t have to hear him cry. Don’t ever hold the baby because you’ll spoil him. It continued through his infancy and right into his toddlerhood. Mostly about food and sleep and carseats and medication. The basic message is, “doctors don’t know everything and it is better to do what is easier, more convenient, and more fun”.

I’ll be the first to agree that doctors don’t know everything. I have several Dr. Friends, and they are as goofy and real and silly and just as unsure about some things as the rest of us. They don’t know everything, but they get paid to know and have a desire to practice and are willing to share everything that is current and proven and best for us and that’s as good as any reason for me to listen to them rather than listen to someone who is following advice that was passed down from 1910. My grandfather was one of my favorite people in the whole world. He turned out just fine, but he suggested that when Jake didn’t take to nursing right away that I hire a nanny to chew soft, vitamin-rich foods and slip them inside his cheek or under his tongue because that’s what his mom did after he was born without a sucking reflex. Yeah, no. My grandfather also was born on his kitchen table while the other kids were playing out back waiting until the table was wiped down so they could have lunch and he weighed more than the butcher’s scale could measure. He pegged past 12 pounds. And that was a few days after he was born and not suckling and someone found the time to take him to the butcher. Sorry Poppa, but we don’t do any of that anymore. If I were my great-grandmother, I would have agreed to giving him to a pack of wolves to feed. I can’t imagine she was the same for quite some time after his birth. Oh, and he claims that a few of his six siblings were bigger. Whatever. Thanks be to modern medical science for that glucose test and episiotomies and, well, modern medical science in general, right ladies?

Of course that is the most outlandish advice I heard, but I’ve heard a lot of weird stuff. I usually just nod and say thank you. If I was asked to explain why I was nursing, or not putting cereal in the bottle, or waiting on solids, or feeding on demand, or putting him on his back, I would explain and try to turn a deaf ear to the arguments. In all honesty, I did what I did because my very trustworthy doctor told me to, but even more so because in my line of work, I’ve encountered babies who have choked to death on a bottle full of cereal. Babies sometimes inhale their milk, and can easily cough it up. But if it is heavy with flakes of cereal, the baby won’t be able to expel it from her lungs and she can literally drown. When you’ve held a mother who has just buried her baby because she heard that a little cereal in the bottle will put the baby to sleep and all that she wanted was a few damn hours of peace you promise yourself you’ll never put cereal in your baby’s bottle no matter how tired you are. When you hold a second mother a few years later, you swear you’ll tell everyone else not to put cereal in their baby’s bottle. When you know people who have lost their babies because the babies were sleeping in the wrong place or the wrong position you will do anything in your power to be sure that you follow everything that is suggested by medical professionals so you don’t join the ranks. I know I’m a bit over-exposed to developmental delays caused by poor pre-natal care and disorders and diseases that could have been prevented by proper newborn feeding and sleeping and stimulation practices. I know too many kids who could have overcome nature with a little bit of nurture. I’m over-protective of my child’s development, but it helps me sleep at night knowing that I do all I can using all available up-to-date information that is out there. And call me biased, but I think my kid is doing pretty well.

I have a point here, I promise. I started typing that last paragraph and just kept at it without really meaning to, but I’m going to leave that in there. Where was I? Blah blah blah, medical science, yadda yadda yadda bad mothering advice… Oh yeah! People who completely discount medical advice for their own convenience. So, the same exact people who told me I was gross for nursing or dumb for watching him while he slept and I was depriving my baby of chewing on a rib at his first 4^th of July BBQ (he was three months old- I didn’t let him have a pacifier because it was interfering with feeding, why do you think I’m going to let him have a carcass in his gob?). Those same people who are so down on my for restricting sweets to parties and special treats and that I stick to a bedtime even if it cuts into my own personal schedule are now so into modern science. You’ve heard it, right? Sugar doesn’t cause hyperactivity anymore. Sugar! Doesn’t! Cause! Hyperactivity! How do we know that? Science! Science! I love science! So how can I not love this! Now Jake can have all the cookies and ice cream and Tastykake he can jam in his face because he won’t! be! hyper!

First of all, no. Even if a couple limey bastards found a way to skew data to show that it is environmental factors and not the breakdown of sugars in tiny bodies that makes them run around like savage little madmen I’m still anti-cavity and anti-obesity and anti-indulgence. Because let’s face it. Jake is not a master tooth-brusher and I can only get in there so well without losing a fingertip. Obesity runs in my husband’s family in a really bad way. And I don’t want my kid to be the kid who knows that sweets taste better than peas and only eats cookies as a result and I freak because he's boycotting all other food so I give in and let him have cookies because at least it's something and I don't want the kid to starve. And also because if he starts eating all the cookies then there won’t be any for me to sneak at midnight when no one else is awake and I don’t have to share.

This is an original Philadelphia Moms Blog post. Lora also blogs at Jakezilla and Oh, the Urbanity!.