Scared of Being Alone

There's a knot in the pit of my stomach. My anxiety levels are heightened, and I know why. I'm planning to attend a writing conference in a few weeks. By myself. Truthfully, I'm scared.

I've been a mom for 14 years, which means I haven't been alone for 14 years. The prospect of getting away, all by myself, should delight me; but the truth is, I've grown accustomed to my children's company. Their laughter has been the soundtrack of my adult life. I know how to handle the world when I'm with them. Frankly, I've forgotten how to live without them.

With my kids around, I'm forced to be brave, calm, and assertive. Deep down, I'm afraid that when I'm alone, I'll slip back into the fearful, quiet girl I used to be. I don't want to be that girl again. It's painful.

My upcoming trip is completely out of my comfort zone. I'm going to a new place, meeting unfamiliar faces and staying in a room I've never seen. I'll be driving in an empty, quiet car. There's a good chance I'll get lost, even with my GPS. Once I arrive, I'll be in a room full of strangers. What if nobody likes me? What if I fail to connect with a literary agent or editor? What if my attempt to become a novelist is a complete and utter failure?

Perhaps motherhood has already prepared me for these outcomes. I've calmly removed body fluids that landed on me at inopportune times. I've maintained my cool when my toddlers melted down in front of people I wanted to impress. I've learned how to advocate for my kids, so I can probably learn how to advocate for myself. Indeed, motherhood is an awesome training ground for life. 

Funny, but as I write my fears down, I realize that I'll be okay if my trip is a total wreck. Even if I decimate any chance of ever publishing a novel, I will always be Mommy. Turns out, my dreams have already come true. Anything more than that is just icing on the cake.

This is an original post for Philly Moms. Lynn writes about the lighter side of family life at For Love or Funny.