Second guessing my parenting decisions: black belt choices

Before I had kids I knew exactly what to expect. And I knew I would have the most well-behaved kids ever.

Go ahead. Take a few minutes to laugh people, I deserve it.  

I call it the Target Syndrome. I would be shopping in Target, see kids misbehaving and think “Oh no, my kids will never act like that! What a shame their parents don’t know how to discipline.”

I’m actually not sure whether to laugh at myself right now or kick myself.

I had it all figured out, that’s for sure.

Then I really did have kids. And oh boy, did karma bite me in the ass when he gave me our oldest son.

Raising Noah has been one bout of second guessing our decisions after another. None of this is made easier with his neuro-nontypical brain and the fact that everything with him is bigger or faster or grander than we expected; the good and the difficult. 

One of the struggles we have been facing recently is that he has decided he no longer wants to go to his karate classes during the week. He’s fine going on Saturday mornings. Same class, same instructor, same kids. He can’t however give me a reasonable explanation for why on Wednesday he wants to quit karate, but on Saturday he’s fine when its time to go. He's not tired he says, he just doesn't want to go.

For several weeks I would get Noah to karate class on Wednesday afternoon and he would refuse to participate. He would sit and watch the class, but that was it. It felt like a very intense battle of wills; a standoff between a very stubborn boy and a mother who was desperately hoping she was doing the right thing.

When I was in fourth grade I took a baton twirling class. I don’t remember if it was my idea or my parents, but I know I was excited about it. I had to wear a leotard, which was probably the first traumatic thing about the class. I was a round child (much like I am as an adult sadly). I much preferred reading to running (again, much like I do as an adult). There was nothing cute about me in a leotard, and even in fourth grade I realized that. I was very excited about the baton though and learning how to twirl it. If I recall correctly I wasn’t horrible at it, at least not during the twirling part of class. But at the end of every class they would line us all up and having us strut across the floor and then do something fancy (or in my case impossible), like a cart wheel or flip, while we held the baton. 

To put it as simply as possible, my butt has never been able to position itself above my head, at least not purposely and with lots of help. That part of class did not go well for me. It didn’t take many classes before I didn’t want to go anymore. I don’t remember a whole lot about how it ended, but I do know my mother didn’t make me finish out the classes. I’ve always been grateful for that. And because of that experience as a child, as a parent I promised myself that if one of my kids didn’t want to do an activity like that I wasn’t going to force them. I wasn’t going to just let them start and then quit things, but I also wasn’t going to make them suffer through something that was distressful for them.

If Noah was a typical kid I would have started to question if he just didn’t enjoy karate anymore and that we should consider stopping. But Noah isn’t a typical kid, and karate offers him discipline and structure that he needs.  And with his ADHD and super-high energy level, giving him a structured place to use some of that energy is highly preferable to the couch jumping argument we have on a daily basis.  More importantly though, is that when he is actually participating in the class he is having fun. And he’s good at it.

Confounding all this second guessing is that I started training in karate a few months after Noah did and I love it! I was hoping it would be something the two of us could share. Mother and son black belts!

So when someone asked me why I was continuing to make Noah go to karate if he didn’t want to, I gave it some serious thought. And like just about every decision my husband and I make regarding Noah I started second guessing myself.

Was I making him do something that he truly didn’t like anymore? Was I making him do it for me and not for him? Was it just too much for him during the week with school?

As a parent how do you judge that line? When do you make your kids follow through on an activity and when do you let them decide it is time to stop?

In our case after a few classes of sitting on the sidelines Noah decided five minutes before the end of one class he wanted to participate. Let me tell you I breathed a huge sigh of relief as he joined that class. It appeared the stand-off was over.

The next week he only told me he didn’t want to go once and when we got there he took part in the class with no hesitation. The week after that it was like none of this had happened.

Now we are back to “I love karate” and “I want to be a black belt."

I weathered the storm and made the right decision for Noah. This time. I think.

Does it ever get any easier?

This is an original Philly Moms Blog post. Kristine also writes on her personal blog, Mommy Needs Therapy or a Bottle of Wine, where she chronicles the good, the bad, and the crazy of her life as a mother, wife and woman.